Ways to Build a Band Following

Are you in a band? Are you having trouble building a following? Are you looking for a way to make your name in the music industry? Stop trying to answer me, I can't hear you through the computer.

Lucky for you, I've worked up a list of gimmicks you can use to distract the audience from how bad your music is. What qualifies me to give you tips on making your band awesome? Why, I happen to be in a band called Mayors of Super Awesome Town (I know, best band name ever), and in the last few months we've gone from being a band comprised of two guys in suits and an iPod to a band comprised of three guys in suits and an iPod. If being 50% more human doesn't impress you, then you should know that we are Cincinnati's #1 band consisting solely of three guys in suits and iPod.

A big part of our meteoric rise (wait a second, that's a terrible metaphor; meteors don't rise) has been the memorable ways we came up with to engage the audience, so they would be more likely to seek us out. Now you can do it too:

1. Buy lots of legos and build extra band members out of them. At the end of the show, destroy them with ninja swords and nunchucks.
2. Each band member should drink a gallon of milk during the set, and when necessary, drop trou for explosive diarrhea.
3. Get into a fight onstage. Break someone's nose, and have him bleed all over as many people as possible before announcing that he has HIV.
4. Get 100 kittens, and stomp on one kitten for every person less than 100 there are in the crowd. So if there are only twelve audience members, stomp on 88 kittens. This will build you a strong following with animal activists.
5. The band should have eating contests in between songs. Hot dogs, hamburgers, burritos, chicken wings, ribs, pizza, jalapeños, and chili. Eventually, you will have no room left and vomit everywhere.
6. Two words: Nickelback covers.
7. Bring a pig onstage and feed it bacon and pork chops. Slaughter the pig and feed it to a larger pig.
   
8. Wear all black, put on white face paint, and pantomime your entire set.
9. Whichever band member flubs a song must immediately hang himself.
10. Release thousands of hornets into the audience, and tell them that the most effective method to kill hornets is thunderous applause.
11. Perform a seance, and speak to the spirits of celebrities who haven't been born yet.
12. Perform surgery on people who can't afford to go to the hospital.
13. Challenge audience members to fight you one group at a time, until one gang defeats you. Those people will play the rest of the set.
14. Don't allow the crowd to think it's better than you. Single someone out and berate that person until he/she breaks down crying. That'll show them who's boss (not Tony Danza).
    
15. Pluck out random hairs, and give them out to audience members. Free merchandise!
    
16. Get a dog and train it to hump legs. If someone complains, ritually sacrifice it to Satan.
17. Get one of those confetti cannons, fill it with leeches, and fire it into the crowd.
18. Hand out free tasers to the front row.
    
19. Anyone who claps for every song gets coupons to The Olive Garden.
20. Build a volcano, and take turns making love to it onstage.
    

I hope this helped. Feel free to add ideas of your own in the comments.



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The Best Wedding Ever

I love weddings. I'm not entirely sure what it is about them. Is it the dressing up? The free food and drinks? The opportunity to dance to music that doesn't give me a headache for a week? The chance to make an ass out of myself in front of hundreds of people? I think it's a combination of all those things.
I love weddings so much that I am forced to ponder what mine will be like. Every time I go to one, I make a note of what I like and don't like about each one. I know it's supposed to be the bride that wants to fulfill her "dream wedding" but hey, that doesn't mean that I can't have my little things in there too.
So now, without further ado, I give you my list of things to make a perfect wedding. This is by no means finalized, but I thought I'd share what I've got so far with you.


1. The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator. A good one, not just some shlub in a jump suit.

2. My tuxedo will be fashioned out of cloth that is invisible to those too stupid or incompetent to appreciate its quality.

3. My groomsmen will be comprised entirely of rented zoo animals. A muzzled and sedated grizzly bear, an emu, an orangutan, a penguin (naturally), and my best man will be a giraffe wearing no less than thirty bow ties.

4. Instead of a limo, my bride and I will be shuttled away in a dirigible.

5. There will be no Bon Jovi at my reception. Well, no Bon Jovi music, at least. If someone invited Jon Bon Jovi as their +1, I suppose I'd allow it.

6. Our wedding song will be Animal (F*ck Like A Beast) by W.A.S.P.

7. My bride and I will perform the Kid 'n' Play dance at least three times during the evening. (skip to 1:15)

8. The world's oldest living married couple will be in attendance. We will ritually sacrifice them in the hope that the gods will reward us with their essence.

9. Our wedding cake will be modeled after Slim Goodbody.

10. There will be a waterslide.

11. The waterslide will be set on fire.

12. There will be no honeymoon, because nothing could live up to that wedding.


So now I just have to find someone who understands the pure awesomeness of what I've just described. If any of you know a woman (sorry fellas, I'm straight) who would want that wedding for her own, feel free to send her my way.

And of course, I understand that I may have to compromise, but #5 is non-negotiable.



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Knowledge that every man needs.

This post deals with crude topics, and should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 18, or anyone with a history of heart problems. The language contained within is graphic. Actually, the language is English, but it's very graphic English. The topics dealt with are taboo in many aspects of our society, so prepare yourself for a discussion about the forbidden.

I have just now figured out the secret to getting laid.

It turns out, you have to put your penis in her vagina.

The rest, I assume, is simple.

I have compiled a list of my extensive knowledge of women, and will translate this information into surefire strategies for you to dazzle women into participating with you in the act of fornication. Also, sex.

What do we know about women? Well, there are many different kinds of women, all of which have their interests. Some women like rugged, outdoorsy types. Other women like Twilight. The first group of women are known as "hot girls," while the second group is known as "fat, unlovable women with a hundred cats." For now, we shall concentrate on the first group.

What do you think of when you hear rugged, outdoorsy type? I think of a cowboy. What are cowboys good at? Lasso tricks. That means you should carry around a large rope with you at all times so women will think that you might bust out the lasso tricks at any time. You don't actually need to learn any lasso tricks; women will subconsciously connect seeing you with a rope to the ability to perform lasso tricks.

"But Jack," I hear you saying. "What if I go to a bar and there's a cowboy at the bar? Wouldn't women be more attracted to him? Also, what if he challenged me to a lasso trick contest?" I understand your concerns, but let me assure you, I have contingency plans in place. First off, don't go to a country bar. This drastically reduces your chances of running into a cowboy. "What if I go to a non-country bar and see someone dressed as cowboy?" Then you should turn around and walk out, because you've obviously stumbled into a gay bar.

Let's continue to examine what these women are interested in. When you think of an outdoorsy activity, what do you think of? I think of camping. And who goes camping a lot? Boy Scouts. Now dressing up as a Boy Scout will not attract most women, so we need to go deeper into the Boy Scouts (just like my scoutmaster did). What is the Boy Scout motto? Always be prepared. So make sure you let women see that you carry a knife with you, so you can free yourself if a lasso trick goes wrong. This is very important. Seeing that knife will make women realize that you are responsible. They'll know that if they should choose to engage in intercourse or sex with you, that 1. you'll have protection, and that 2. they can rely on you to not to post the videotape on the internet.

Let me share with you an observation that I have made about the outdoors, that you may not have picked up on. There are no radiators out in the wild. That means that it can get very cold. In order to convince a woman that you are truly an outdoorsman, and not just faking it, you need to look like you have been out in the cold for a long time. Perhaps this is your first venture into civilization in years! What could be more attractive to a woman than that? To convince her of this, you need to wear a black ski mask. "Do I need to wear it in the bar?" you ask. YES. This is very important. How better to convince a woman that you live out in the wild than by not understanding the concept of the indoors? You sleep under the stars and don't understand why is so warm in here, so you must keep your mask on in case it gets cold!

This creates a problem, though. Despite loving rugged outdoorsy types, women are notoriously shallow, and will never agree to copulation or sex if they can't see that you are good looking under your mask. Obviously, taking your mask off would ruin the illusion you have created. Also, you're probably ugly. How do we resolve this? You must bear your teeth at all times, so that she can see that you have excellent dental hygiene. If your teeth are attractive, then she will have to come to the conclusion that you are attractive, as well.

Now we must turn more to the abstract. There are certain qualities that women look for in men that can not be expressed physically. The first one is directness. Women are busy. They have lots of important things to do, like purchasing and applying make up, going to the bathroom in large groups, and standing in the kitchen, waiting for men to tell them to prepare foodstuffs. They don't have time to play games, like learning things about you, such as your name. They want a man who will come straight out and express what he's looking for. In this case, it's sex.

Finally, this is extremely important. women are attracted to confidence . Women don't like men who aren't sure of themselves. You can't have any doubt in your mind that you are going to score with this woman, and perhaps even have sex with her. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of ways to express confidence, so you're going to need to avoid expressing signs of a lack of confidence.

Now I understand that if this is your first time trying this technique, you may not feel particularly confident. That's okay. I have some final tips for you to build you up. First, you should find a woman who is leaving alone. That is a surefire sign that she is not currently in a relationship. Also, she won't have friends talking to distract her from what she should be focusing on: you. When you see a woman leaving the bar alone, follow her. Before she can reach her car (or whatever form of transit she may use) you must talk to her.

Remember these keys: Insecure people keep their hands in their pockets, women love good hygiene, be direct, and don't ask any questions. Confident people don't ask questions; questions are for losers! Confront her, hold your hands in front of her, so she can see your rope and knife, bear your teeth, and keep them clenched while you say, "Shut up and let's have sex."

With moves like this, no woman in the world will be able to resist you.




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