An Exercise In Absurdity

I have decided to write a play.
I have made this proclamation several times before, but I’ve yet to complete one.
This time will be different.
This play will be artistic, so it doesn’t have to be very good.
It just has to be original.
I’m very good at original ideas.
A man and a lemur have a contest to see who can tread water the longest.
That’s not what the play is going to be about.
I just wanted to show you an example of an original idea.
I think it’s a very good example.
Maybe that’s what my next play will be about.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
I’ll never start writing this play if I’m already working on the next one.
I’ll write it now.
The curtain opens.
A man is standing on the ledge of a building, looking down at the street.
He is wearing a business suit and a fedora.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“I”
The curtain closes.
There is no music playing.
You can hear the hustle and bustle of the crew hurriedly changing the scenery.
The curtain opens for the next scene.
The man in the suit and fedora is now standing on a tropical beach.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Am”
The curtain closes.
You can hear the crew backstage once more.
One of them is grunting very loudly.
The curtain opens for the third scene.
The man is standing atop Mount Kilimanjaro.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“A”
The curtain closes.
During the scene change, a man sings a Cyndi Lauper song from backstage.
He doesn’t know most of the words.
The curtain opens.
The man is standing in a dirty gas station bathroom.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Veh”
The curtain closes.
You can hear the crew moving scenery again.
Once man sounds like he is whimpering.
The curtain opens.
The man is holding a bayonet.
Three Redcoats are impaled on it.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Ree”
The curtain closes.
You can hear the scenery moving.
There is a loud crash, as if something was dropped.
The curtain opens.
The man is keeping score at a bowling alley.
The scorers table is noticeably bent.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Am”
The curtain closes.
We hear the crew talk backstage during the scene change.
They seem to be concerned about the health of a fellow crew member.
The crew member in question insists that he’s fine.
The curtain opens.
The man is lying on a couch in a therapist’s office.
The therapist is audibly crying.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Bih”
The curtain closes.
A ghost appears in the auditorium.
It finds a seat with the help of an usher.
The curtain opens.
The man is standing behind a podium in a lecture hall.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Shus”
The curtain closes.
As the scene change begins, we hear a man backstage cry out in pain and fall.
Other crew members call for medical help.
A man yells, “CLEAR!”
There is silence.
Once more the man yells, “CLEAR!”
More silence.
The man yells, “LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!”
There is silence once more.
Another voice suggests “Are you sure that’s turned on?”
The man says “Crap! CLEAR!”
There is applause backstage.
The curtain opens.
The man is still in the lecture hall.
He has stripped out of his suit and is now in his underwear.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Man”
The curtain closes.
Seventeen voices cry out in terror.
The curtain immediately opens.
A large sign is center stage.
It reads “End of Act One”
The curtain closes.
The lights come up in the theater.
As people file out of the theater, the lights flash on and off.
Everyone returns to their seats.
The curtain opens.
A large sign reading “Intermission” is center stage.
The curtain remains open for ten minutes.
The lights do not come up.
The curtain closes.
The sound of sawing and hammering is coming from the stage.
The curtain opens.
The man is once again wearing the suit and fedora.
He is also nailed to a cross.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Why”
The curtain closes.
Lots of loud power tools are being used behind the curtain.
We hear something very heavy fall.
The curtain opens.
The man is at a Tijuana donkey show.
He is still nailed to a cross.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Are”
The curtain closes.
Music starts to play, and there is an elaborate tap dance number backstage.
The curtain opens.
The man is parasailing, still affixed to the cross.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“You”
The curtain closes.
Two men argue over who gets the last doughnut.
The argument turns into a fight.
Other crew members are heard trying to break it up.
The fight spills out onto the stage apron.
The two men fall off the edge of the stage and onto a table.
The table breaks beneath them.
The curtain opens.
The man is the therapist’s office once again.
He is lying on the couch, still nailed to the cross.
The therapist has hung himself, and gently sways back and forth.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Still”
The curtain closes.
A stagehand says, “I’m glad nothing odd happened during this scene change.”
The curtain opens.
The man, still attached the cross, is lying in front of a dam.
Beavers are chewing on the cross.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Wah”
The curtain closes.
A gun is fired.
A man casually announces, “I have been shot.”
The curtain opens.
The man is doing pull-ups on the St Louis Arch.
He looks up at the audience, and speaks.
“Ching”
The curtain closes.
A stagehand wearing a pink robe comes out from behind the curtain.
He yells “Go home!” in a bad English accent.
He goes back behind the curtain.
The lights come up.


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