Ways to Build a Band Following

Are you in a band? Are you having trouble building a following? Are you looking for a way to make your name in the music industry? Stop trying to answer me, I can't hear you through the computer.

Lucky for you, I've worked up a list of gimmicks you can use to distract the audience from how bad your music is. What qualifies me to give you tips on making your band awesome? Why, I happen to be in a band called Mayors of Super Awesome Town (I know, best band name ever), and in the last few months we've gone from being a band comprised of two guys in suits and an iPod to a band comprised of three guys in suits and an iPod. If being 50% more human doesn't impress you, then you should know that we are Cincinnati's #1 band consisting solely of three guys in suits and iPod.

A big part of our meteoric rise (wait a second, that's a terrible metaphor; meteors don't rise) has been the memorable ways we came up with to engage the audience, so they would be more likely to seek us out. Now you can do it too:

1. Buy lots of legos and build extra band members out of them. At the end of the show, destroy them with ninja swords and nunchucks.
2. Each band member should drink a gallon of milk during the set, and when necessary, drop trou for explosive diarrhea.
3. Get into a fight onstage. Break someone's nose, and have him bleed all over as many people as possible before announcing that he has HIV.
4. Get 100 kittens, and stomp on one kitten for every person less than 100 there are in the crowd. So if there are only twelve audience members, stomp on 88 kittens. This will build you a strong following with animal activists.
5. The band should have eating contests in between songs. Hot dogs, hamburgers, burritos, chicken wings, ribs, pizza, jalapeños, and chili. Eventually, you will have no room left and vomit everywhere.
6. Two words: Nickelback covers.
7. Bring a pig onstage and feed it bacon and pork chops. Slaughter the pig and feed it to a larger pig.
   
8. Wear all black, put on white face paint, and pantomime your entire set.
9. Whichever band member flubs a song must immediately hang himself.
10. Release thousands of hornets into the audience, and tell them that the most effective method to kill hornets is thunderous applause.
11. Perform a seance, and speak to the spirits of celebrities who haven't been born yet.
12. Perform surgery on people who can't afford to go to the hospital.
13. Challenge audience members to fight you one group at a time, until one gang defeats you. Those people will play the rest of the set.
14. Don't allow the crowd to think it's better than you. Single someone out and berate that person until he/she breaks down crying. That'll show them who's boss (not Tony Danza).
    
15. Pluck out random hairs, and give them out to audience members. Free merchandise!
    
16. Get a dog and train it to hump legs. If someone complains, ritually sacrifice it to Satan.
17. Get one of those confetti cannons, fill it with leeches, and fire it into the crowd.
18. Hand out free tasers to the front row.
    
19. Anyone who claps for every song gets coupons to The Olive Garden.
20. Build a volcano, and take turns making love to it onstage.
    

I hope this helped. Feel free to add ideas of your own in the comments.



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The Best Wedding Ever

I love weddings. I'm not entirely sure what it is about them. Is it the dressing up? The free food and drinks? The opportunity to dance to music that doesn't give me a headache for a week? The chance to make an ass out of myself in front of hundreds of people? I think it's a combination of all those things.
I love weddings so much that I am forced to ponder what mine will be like. Every time I go to one, I make a note of what I like and don't like about each one. I know it's supposed to be the bride that wants to fulfill her "dream wedding" but hey, that doesn't mean that I can't have my little things in there too.
So now, without further ado, I give you my list of things to make a perfect wedding. This is by no means finalized, but I thought I'd share what I've got so far with you.


1. The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator. A good one, not just some shlub in a jump suit.

2. My tuxedo will be fashioned out of cloth that is invisible to those too stupid or incompetent to appreciate its quality.

3. My groomsmen will be comprised entirely of rented zoo animals. A muzzled and sedated grizzly bear, an emu, an orangutan, a penguin (naturally), and my best man will be a giraffe wearing no less than thirty bow ties.

4. Instead of a limo, my bride and I will be shuttled away in a dirigible.

5. There will be no Bon Jovi at my reception. Well, no Bon Jovi music, at least. If someone invited Jon Bon Jovi as their +1, I suppose I'd allow it.

6. Our wedding song will be Animal (F*ck Like A Beast) by W.A.S.P.

7. My bride and I will perform the Kid 'n' Play dance at least three times during the evening. (skip to 1:15)

8. The world's oldest living married couple will be in attendance. We will ritually sacrifice them in the hope that the gods will reward us with their essence.

9. Our wedding cake will be modeled after Slim Goodbody.

10. There will be a waterslide.

11. The waterslide will be set on fire.

12. There will be no honeymoon, because nothing could live up to that wedding.


So now I just have to find someone who understands the pure awesomeness of what I've just described. If any of you know a woman (sorry fellas, I'm straight) who would want that wedding for her own, feel free to send her my way.

And of course, I understand that I may have to compromise, but #5 is non-negotiable.



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