The Best Wedding Ever

I love weddings. I'm not entirely sure what it is about them. Is it the dressing up? The free food and drinks? The opportunity to dance to music that doesn't give me a headache for a week? The chance to make an ass out of myself in front of hundreds of people? I think it's a combination of all those things.
I love weddings so much that I am forced to ponder what mine will be like. Every time I go to one, I make a note of what I like and don't like about each one. I know it's supposed to be the bride that wants to fulfill her "dream wedding" but hey, that doesn't mean that I can't have my little things in there too.
So now, without further ado, I give you my list of things to make a perfect wedding. This is by no means finalized, but I thought I'd share what I've got so far with you.


1. The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator. A good one, not just some shlub in a jump suit.

2. My tuxedo will be fashioned out of cloth that is invisible to those too stupid or incompetent to appreciate its quality.

3. My groomsmen will be comprised entirely of rented zoo animals. A muzzled and sedated grizzly bear, an emu, an orangutan, a penguin (naturally), and my best man will be a giraffe wearing no less than thirty bow ties.

4. Instead of a limo, my bride and I will be shuttled away in a dirigible.

5. There will be no Bon Jovi at my reception. Well, no Bon Jovi music, at least. If someone invited Jon Bon Jovi as their +1, I suppose I'd allow it.

6. Our wedding song will be Animal (F*ck Like A Beast) by W.A.S.P.

7. My bride and I will perform the Kid 'n' Play dance at least three times during the evening. (skip to 1:15)

8. The world's oldest living married couple will be in attendance. We will ritually sacrifice them in the hope that the gods will reward us with their essence.

9. Our wedding cake will be modeled after Slim Goodbody.

10. There will be a waterslide.

11. The waterslide will be set on fire.

12. There will be no honeymoon, because nothing could live up to that wedding.


So now I just have to find someone who understands the pure awesomeness of what I've just described. If any of you know a woman (sorry fellas, I'm straight) who would want that wedding for her own, feel free to send her my way.

And of course, I understand that I may have to compromise, but #5 is non-negotiable.



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